"I’ll never have grandkids. My kids are too ugly."

"If you don’t do as you’re told, I’m going to tie something shiny around your neck and put you on the porch for the crows to carry away."

"Don’t think that just because you live in your place and make your own money you can do what you please."

"Upon seeing penguins swimming at the zoo: 'They’re like birds, but underwater!'"

"Are you sure you don’t want to at least try being gay? I only suggest this because you’ve already procreated and all the women you’ve ever been with have been evil. Maybe you’d have better luck with men, that’s all I’m saying."

"You know, this would be a great place to hide a body. If I ever snapped one day and killed one of you, I’d hide the body here."

"Sweetheart, you could never disappoint me. Unless you went to jail and didn’t write a book about it. The first one of us to go to jail, HAS to write a book!"

"…I’m not trying to scare you away from being gay and all, but I want you to know- anal sex REALLY hurts…"

"It’s too bad you can’t DOWNLOAD good grades and a haircut, eh?"

"You can’t leave the house with a HOLE in your JEANS, loud whisper: YOU LOOK LIKE A POOR PERSON!"